Ruin
by YummyMango
Summary: A past memory helps Lexa realize why she's making a decision she'll later regret.


The night chill bit through Lexa's cloak as she walked through the forest, following Costia who coaxes her to speed up. But she completely ignored her, for she can only think about how Titus might just murder her if he notices she slipped out...with Costia. She'll never hear the end of it.

But it was the day's work that occupied her mind. They were planning the final details of Costia's infiltration into Azgeda. She was her best spy, most trusted too, but she couldn't help but go through the plan over and over, almost with a certain paranoia that something imperative to the mission was forgotten. Costia insisted the operation is finalized. But the plan wasn't to be put in motion until next year, so why was she worrying about it now?

"Come on, you're very slow for such a seasoned warrior."

Lexa was pulled from her thoughts, noticing that she fell behind, gazing upon Costia's teasing smirk. Even in the dark her features seemed bright, a mess of red coiled hair to match mischievous emerald eyes. It took her a second longer to react, and she could tell Costia noticed by how she raised a daring eyebrow.

Unconsciously, she tried gripping the hilt of her nonexistent sword. "I'm cold, still sore from yesterday's training, and you haven't told me where you're taking me."

Lexa could see her roll her eyes. "It's a surprise." She drew out her words to emphasize how many times she had to answer the same question. Lexa always voiced how she disliked the frequent eye rolls but will never admit how she truly found it endearing.

"I hate surprises."

Costia trudged towards her and grabbed her hand to drag her forward. Her touch was warm, and she didn't let go as they walked. "I know you like to maintain your inner brooding commander..."

Lexa was about to retort that no such thing existed, but was stopped when Costia held up a finger, "But you need to lighten up just a bit."

"I'll try. But you should know that whatever you're planning is reckless."

Costia stopped before her, "What do you mean reckless? You don't even know what I'm planning."

"We're out in the forest at night, outside Polis walls. I could get assassinated. Azgeda has it out for me. Luna might come back to claim her rightful throne."

Costia's smile could put the full moon to shame. "or all Titus knows I might get you killed you too."

"I'm walking to my grave as we speak."

She felt her heart dance to the rhythm of Costia's light laughter. They always joked of Titus' disapproval, how Costia was a reckless influence and a distraction to her duties as commander. And he's probably right, that was his duty after all. She couldn't stop thinking of the infiltration plan. Everything about it wasn't sitting right with her. But it's necessary, she needs to weaken Azgeda from the inside, gain information on Queen Nia. In a way, she was sending a Trojan Horse.

"Lexa."

"What?" She cursed herself for getting caught with a drifting mind, again. But she found it happening a bit often lately. While continuing with her work she cannot stop thinking about Costia, and in the seemingly rare moments together she cannot stop thinking about her duty.

"Care to tell me where you keep going?"

"Nowhere, I'm just..." she was about to grip the hilt of her sword out of habit, forgetting again that it wasn't there, "...tired. It's been a long day."

"You could have said so when I asked you to accompany me."

She shook her head, "I haven't seen much of you lately."

This wasn't the complete truth, but not a lie either. Lexa has been overwhelmed with her duties. She has a fragile alliance between seven clans in the coalition, and Azgeda was a whole issue on its own. On top of that she had to train and teach the night bloods. And at night, the commanders were restless, keeping her awake until sunrise. But even with no rest, Costia could ask anything of her and she'd comply. With no hesitation. And that was a flaw Titus always tried to point out without blatantly saying it, and she always tried to deny it ever existed.

"Well, now that we're almost there, we might as well keep going." She left a kiss that was gone as quickly as it came. It was not enough. She had to quell her desire for more, until later.

They kept going until Costia stopped at a rushing stream and let go of her hand.

"Why are we here?"

Lexa didn't get an answer as Costia picked up two bows and quivers that hung on a nearby tree branch. She handed one to her.

"Remember the last time we did this? You came back from Polis with a bit too much arrogance."

Lexa shook her head, "I was not arrogant. I was confident I'd win." She said as a matter of fact, dropping her cloak and made sure her sheave of arrows was comfortably placed on her back. Costia did the same.

She did remember, coming back to her village and being first greeted by Anya. After spending a whole year, everything felt a bit different. People treated her differently too, even her peers. Except for Costia, who demanded that Lexa could not go to Polis for a whole year and come back without gifts. She did, two newly crafted bows and arrows for their created game.

"That was four years ago. Today, you turned seventeen and I think it's fair to issue another challenge."

"You're forgetting who you're challenging."

"But four years is a long time. And even before that, you've been brandishing a sword." They both lined up by the stream. "First one to hit all the targets and crosses the stream wins."

Her eyes scanned the trees for their marks. The dark made it a bit more difficult to see them all clearly. "What are the stakes this time?"

She never got an answer as Costia bolted through the stream.

When she snuck back to her chambers, muscles screaming as they moved, soaked and shivering, covered in mud, the candles were all lit with Titus seated in meditation on the floor. He asked her to sit, opening his eyes when she did. Lexa was more terrified of the fact that he wasn't angry as he asked where she went.

He taught her a way of meditation to silence the commanders, to control when she wanted to listen and when not to. When she slept, they were all silent, even Sheidheda.

**Four years later…**

Lexa tried to focus as Clarke spoke of forgiving a massacre, to be the first to stop bloodshed. Pacing the tent with hands rested on the hilt of her sword, she couldn't get the image of death out of her head that the commanders kept pushing for their unanimous cries for war. Her grip tightened on the sword, and could only recounted the ways Skaikru made maintaining peace the most difficult task she'd ever done. Everything she worked hard for could shatter, as peace became a fragile, drifting dream.

But Clarke just kept talking, relentlessly, saying exactly the right words in a desperate attempt to protect her people. Lexa always admired her courage to speak her mind, and her tenacity, although inconvenient. But she also found herself constantly wanting to shut her out, for she realized it was becoming impossible to reject anything Clarke demanded. She hated herself for allowing it to happen.

She stopped pacing, looking at Clarke. Her blue eyes were enticing, irresistible. Lexa regretted every word that slipped from between her lips, "I'm not considering it. I'll do it."

And as Indra reprimanded her, for the slightest moment she couldn't help but think how Clarke might just ruin her.


End file.
